Contented

I never intend to be in this situation. The feel of locks in. The feel that the earth is all over your shoulder. How a superhero feels when he doesn't save the humanity. How a lawyer may feel when he doesn't give justice to his client. How a lover feels when he doesn't give joy to his beloved. How an ant may be feeling when it is not ready for calamity. How a bird may feel when its locked in bars.

I always feel chest pains, my heart breaking. Every time.

Every time I see my colleagues suffers the stress, enjoys their company, seeing their smiles and happiness.
But mostly the PRIDE they have.

I always imagine myself in theirs.

What does it feel like? Could I bear the out of weigh stress? How would my appeal be to my to-be-so-this-up-so-close professors? Would I also have the pride within me?

I definitely will have that. Adding a one point mark afterall, would complete my life.

Everything just changed with a one point mark.

You suddenly don't know who you are. Don't know the difference between this and that. It feels like you are physically present , but emotionally dead. You immediately cannot distinguish how to act.

Abruptly insane.

But mostly presumptuous enough to be noted a no no of being a trickster. I cannot obtain to that kind of a confusing mannerism that would inhibit to my desired dignity and love for a thing that I find justifiable and noble. I would not dare to. Beauty can kill and overpower poisonous posture. Proven and tested.

I don't have to blame everything from the above, considering the unending novenas, devotion, prayers intentionally done for this. It was exactly the assertiveness within that killed me.That drowned me, that gave me that less than a point.

Well of course I have to say it will always belong to the past. A biggest regret of the past.With a little discrimination done to others' races would certainly fit my feelings.

Prejudices. Adjuring self- worth. Prompt adjustments. Feels of superiority.

Deluging due to shame. I feel so sorry for myself. I never planned anything like this. I even don't think I am worth of this. I may be slapped with it, but I think I have done something better than that. Enduring for almost half of the year. Oh I missed that feeling of satisfaction a year ago.

But it isn't a big world problem to be discussed. I just need to speak it out. There is a great day ahead for me, us! God may have plans, and I am ready for it this time. What I learned from this thing, know what you really want, and it will guide you to your destiny. Loving it, feeling it, owning it, wanting it won't be enough if it isn't really for you. But is blessed for I am contented for everything that happens that proves that God is with me, always!

IBEL